On a recent trip to the beach I was blessed with the opportunity to chat with my uncle who is also one of my favorite people. He is well traveled, experienced, good-natured and wise. The conversation was engaging and we chatted until 1:30AM. During this conversation we discussed some of the trends we are noticing in people thirty and younger. This favored uncle has a few employees who have a paralyzing fear of failure. By this I mean they continually check for reassurance when making decisions and they will not take risks. A desireable employee is independent, able to make decisions, and can manage risk (not avoid it).
This fear of failure makes alot of sense to me. For many who are under thirty (Millenials especially) failure is an unkown. We have a generation who was not allowed to experience failure. Here is an example. There is a little league baseball organization near us that always gives the batter first base. Three strikes? You still get first base. Got a hit and were thrown out? You still get to stay on first base. Hit a pop-up and the out fielder caught the ball? You guessed it... you still get first base. Everyone has similar stories about participation trophies, blue ribbons for everyone, and no failing grades.
When someone grows up immune to loss or failure a few things happen. First, there is blurred sense of self. Winning at everything means I am great at everything. I could have trophies for swimming, baseball, bowling, and track. Blue ribbons for science, crafts, and cooking. Certificates of achievement for just about everything. In the end I have no idea what I am (or am not) good at. Second, I have a sense of entitlement. If I always got first then I should also get a great job (whether or not I am qualified), great grades (even if I didn't study), great pay (even if I don't work), and a comfortable lifestyle (even if I didn't earn it). Third, I never fully appreciate accomplishment. If I grow up without a risk of failure one can't fully appreciate success. People are being robbed of the joy of a job well done. Moreover, the successes of others cannot be fully appreciated or respected. Finally, I do not know how to lose gracefully. A loss results in temper tantrums, depression, confusion, law suits, etc. Learning how to lose means gaining the strength to regroup and try again. Losing is a great teacher and can create tremendous maturity.
It has been a few weeks since this conversation. I have applied there lessons to my life and to the lives of my children. Personally, I have reviewed my losses in life and fully embraced the lessons that resulted. Moreover, I have told my children that they will fail in life. My children know that I love them even if they are not good at art. My girls know that it is OK to not be the fastest, strongest, or most talented. They do not need trophies, blue ribbons, or certificates to have self-esteem. My girls fully appreciate when they are successful because they know that their success was earned.
2 comments:
It is possible, taking this to its logical conclusion, that being the only perceived failure is being the social pariah. Being genuine will be the new fake. Cliques will form, and people will feel like they are always on the outside looking in, when in fact there is no one on the inside. This sounds a lot like when I was a kid, too. I have a feeling it sounds like that to each generation.
I have been catching up on your blogs. I have enjoyed reading and learning a lil something from each of them.
Love you bro.
Bill
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