Sacrifice- Marriage Series Conclusion

The Declaration of Independence states that people are "...created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights..."  It is true that people are equal.  There is no divine special privilege for one group of peoples over another.  Let me take this a step farther.  Sinners and saved are equal.  Christians, Muslims, Jews, and atheists are equal.  If we truly believe the Roman letter when it tells us that "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" then we believe that all are equal spiritually.  This is not to say that all worship (or lack worship) legitimately nor does it mean all are saved (I am not a universalist).  However, it is to say that there are no favorites among God's children (creation).  This explains why blessings come to the sinful and the saints.

Sacrifice is choosing to give up rights.  This is different than not knowing rights.  Fools do not know their rights.  Mature Christians know their rights and choose to lay them down for the sake of another.  The Declaration of Independence specifically mentions our rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Christ allowed himself to be arrested giving up his liberty, was sentenced to death giving up his life, making his happiness about our salvation.

I want to end my marriage series with this definition of sacrifice.  When I can give up my claims to rights for the sake of my spouse, then I will have a truly Godly partnership.  When wronged I have the right to complain and seek restitution.  Understanding equality and knowing the value of sacrifice means I may never claim those rights.  This is where Christian maturity results in a more satisfying relationship.

Intimacy in Marriage- Marriage Series Continued

As our class progresses through Worthington's (1999) 9 C's of marriage we come to "Closeness" (p.60).  I would instead like to call this "closed-ness" because the image of a closed circle comes to mind when discussing intimacy.  It is the emotional, intellectual, and physcial interactions that are exclusive to the relationship.  In other words there are thoughts, feelings, and actions to be kept inside the closed circle of the relationship to achieve intimacy.  

Intellectual intimacy refers to the shared thought life of a couple.  There is information that is to be kept between a couple and not shared with those outside the relationship.  A spouse can feel deeply hurt and betrayed when private information is carelessly shared.

Emotional intimacy refers to those feelings which should be reserved for your spouse.  Feelings of romantic love or feelings of lust/arousal should never be fostered outside of the marriage relationship.  Intimacy is broken when such feelings stray outside the closed circle.

Physical intimacy refers to the actions meant to be shared by a married couple.  This can be much more than intercourse.  Intimate touches such as massaging or handholding outside of the marriage can destroy intimacy in the marriage.

Breaking the inner circle of intimacy can happen in two ways.  Outside influences attacking the circle can diminish intimacy.  This can include the distraction of work, hobbies, friends, children, etc.  Anything that prevents a couple from developing their relationship in privacy (without distraction).  Couples need to be purposeful in protecting intimacy and setting time aside to develop their inner circle.  The other threat to intimcay is from the inside and tends to be much more damaging.  When a spouse breaks the circle taking things that ought to be kept inside the relationship outside.  Examples would be a wife who shares private information with girlfriends, or a husband who is flirting with a coworker.

How should couples respond?  Form the habit of setting aside time for one another.  Recognize distractions and agree on how best to deal with them.  Honor intimacy and be diligent to defend it in your marriage.  Read Proverbs 5:15-17 and consider the implications of this passage in your marriage.

Worthington, E.L. (1999). Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling: A Guide to Brief Therapy. Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity.  

Violence Against Christians

I want to take a break from my marriage series to comment on the events in Egypt.  On October 9th twenty-one Christians were killed by the Egyptian military who currently have power in Egypt.  Reports say that they were killed by being run over by armoured vehicles or were shot with live ammunition (as opposed to the non-lethal riot gear that is available).  These Christians were part of a protest march responding to a church being destroyed earlier that year.  This weekend hundreds marched (without incident) in remembrance of those killed.

How should we respond to such incidents?  Perhaps our first response is to place blame and point fingers toward growing Islamic extremism.  This is often the first response I hear.  However, the recent march in remembrance of the slain Christians included Muslims who are calling for unity.  There are those within the Islamic community who realize that violence is not the right answer.  Moreover, too many Christians are quick to point the finger and call for retaliation.  Is this a Christian response.  Is this truly following the man who said, "Blessed are the peacemakers." 

News reports say that the military regime in charge in Egypt is trying to stir religious tension.  Such tension will allow militant leaders to maintain control and will derail the progress of democracy in that country.  They understand that religious tolerance (the kind granted in our First Amendment) will ruin their militant rule.  There is a lot we could learn from what is happening in Egypt.

Sources:

Washington Post
Constitution

You are What You Think- Marriage Series

You have probably heard it said, "you are what you eat."  Food provides the nutrients and building blocks that make up your body.  Many believe that thoughts or cognitions are what make up a person's life.  From our thoughts come actions (behaviors) and feelings (emotions).  Just as right eating results in a healthy body, right thinking results in a healthy life (correct behaviors and positive emotions).  According to the King James translation Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he."  Our thoughts play a pivotal role in how we conduct our lives especially in our relationships.
Spouses can develop negative thought patterns about their relationship or spouse.  For example, early in their relationship a wife allowed her husband to take out the trash when he had time.  If he forgot she assumed he was busy.  Later in the marriage she might develop the thought that he is lazy.  Now if he does not take the trash out right away it is because he is lazy.  If he forgets she nags him about being lazy.  Her change in thinking results in feelings of frustration and nagging behaviors.  Likewise, a husband who begins to think of his marriage as "bad" might begin to focus on all the negatives.  He may become critical ignoring many positive aspects of the relationship.

How can we battle negative cognitions in our marriage?  Consider Philippians 4:8, " Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."  In other words focus on the positives.  Anyone can be a critic and point out the negatives.  Actively search for the positives in your spouse and in your relationship.