Marital Conflict and Resolution

Conflict is inevitable and too often viewed as negative.  While marriages can experience unhealthy types of conflict, or unhealthy levels of conflict, there needs to be an understanding that conflict can be positive.  Conflict is a means to resolve differences.  Through the process of conflict we can come to agreement or mutually beneficial compromise.  Conflict can clear the air of "cold war" type disagreements that have quietly been preventing intimacy. 

Often couples are uncomfortable with the way they fight.  Arguments may involve shouting, hurtful comments, door slamming, passive aggressive gestures, or worse.  In his book Hope Focused Marriage Counseling, Everett Worthington offers an acrostic with the letters L.O.V.E.  Consider how the following applies to conflict:

• Listen and repeat (paraphrase)
• Observe the effect you are having
• Value your partner (and refuse to devalue them)
• Evaluate your goals

If people were better listeners a lot of arguing would be prevented.  Usually couples want the same things and differ slightly on how to go about achieving goals.  Demonstrating good listening tells your spouse they are valued and cuts some of the negative emotions involved in conflict. 

Observing your effects means you pay attention to how your spouse is responding.  If they are cringing or backing away it is a cue to change your tone.  They may not be hearing your message because of the delivery style.  Adjust your actions accroding to your spouse's responses.

Valuing and refusing to devalue means you will keep it a clean fight.  Insults are out of bounds if you want to keep conflicts healthy.  Assume good will and avoid devaluing your partner's position.

Evaluating goals means you keep the main thing the main thing.  Too often conflicts drift into multiple topics.  Keeping the focus on the topic of disagreement can prevent complications and the argument becoming personal.

Couples should practice communicating according to the LOVE model.  It is a lot easier to communicate this way when emotions are not running high.  The more practice the more likely a couple will be prepared when conflicts do come about.

Marriage Series- Confession, Repentance, and Forgiveness

All too often we separate the sacred and the secular and thus pigeonholing our Christianity to Sunday morning.  Words such as confession, repentance and forgiveness have as much place at home on Monday, or at our workplace on Tuesday as they do in church on Sunday.  These concepts are especially valid in marriage.  However, we often misuse these practices as a way to change our spouse (very often to our liking or expectations). 

Confession is given, not taken.  It takes courage and trust to enable someone to make a confession.  That person has to believe that forgiveness will be extended to them.  If they are met with anger or criticism it is likely they will not offer confession again.  Romans tells us that we have all sinned.  The apostle John emphasizes that denying sin makes us liars.  Our spouses will fail us.  If we value honesty in our relationship then we need to be able to respond to confession with forgiveness.

Repentance is something else that cannot be forced.  You cannot make someone genuinely repent.  It is their choice.  This does not mean you have to accept certain behaviors.  If your spouse acts condescendingly toward you certainly state your thoughts and feelings.  Moreover, you can choose to walk away or not listen when you are being spoken to in a hurtful way.  This is your right.  However, to try and nag, argue, or fight them to repentance is unhealthy.  Such behaviors create a parent-child interaction and is not a marriage of equals.  Real, genuine repentance is not the result of manipulating behaviors.

Forgiveness is probably the most difficult and least understood of all the concepts here.  Forgiveness does not mean forgetting and it certainly does not mean justifying (saying something was OK or "fine" when it was hurtful and damaging).  Honesty is the first step in forgiveness.  An honest assessment of the hurt.  Honest statements such as, "your anger bothers me and is not OK" or "forgetting my birthday hurts my feelings" is the best way to begin forgiveness.  The hurt person needs to acknowledge the damage before they can forgive it.  Jesus never said it was OK to crucify him.  He also never justified the behavior of sinners, yet he forgives them.  Forgiveness is choosing your response to the hurt.  There is rarely (if ever) a time when a person has earned or deserves forgiveness.  It is always a gift.  In marriage repentance can aid in the process of forgiveness but is not necessary to forgive.  A person can choose to forgive an unrepentant spouse.  Again, this does not mean you sugar coat the hurt, rather you choose to respond to the hurt with love.  This is Christian maturity at its best and the reason why faith has to be one of the parts of a healthy marriage.

Marriage Series- Confession and Forgiveness

James 5:16 tells us to confess our faults or sins to one another.  Doing so requires a depth of relationship that goes well beyond your average acquaintance.  In order to openly confess faults one needs to be vulnerable.  Instead of being vulnerable we are often the opposite- defensive.  Defenses can be healthy and can keep us from engaging in hurtful interactions.  Healthy defenses I refer to as Boundaries after the Cloud and Townsend books by the same title.  However, unhealthy defensiveness keeps us from fully experiencing intimacy.  John Gottman named defensiveness as one of the four horseman of marital apocalypse (see this article for more on this).   

How do we overcome defensiveness and attain the ability to confess?  If I am the one being defensive I need to understand why.  What is the perceived threat that makes me defensive.  Perhaps my spouse is hurting me in some way.  If so I need to communicate this and extend forgiveness.  If it is insecurity, then I need to meditate on my value in Christ (check out this article on Christians and self esteem).  If my spouse is being defensive then I need to understand the threat.  Have I hurt my spouse in some way?  If so then I confess and ask forgiveness.  If it is insecurity then I need to be supportive. 

Again, the solution begins with me whether or not I am the problem.  I can only change what I do and my perception of the relationship.

This week we are confessing our shortcomings as part of our talk time.  This is a risky move but I hope a lot of confession and forgiveness comes out of the assignment.