Marriage series- Expectations

This past week we looked at the William James quote that "happiness is performance divided by expectation."  The math gifted among us insisted that I add, "if happiness equals 1."  This means that our expectations for our spouse and our perception of their performance need to balance.  Discord comes when expectations are high and performance is low or vice versa.  Some considerations:

• Do I expect too much or too little from my spouse?
• Is my performance as good as it could/should be?
• Have I adequately communicated AND demonstrated my expectations?
• How do low expectations affect my spouse?

Low expectations are particularly hurtful to men who are usually seeking significance.  Overly high expectations are particularly hurtful to women who want to feel approval (securtiy). 

It is valuable to remember that you can't change the expectations or performance of your spouse.  We only have power over our own thinking and behavior.  We can altar our performance or shift our expectations.  So what do we do about the discord?

Grace means we lower expectations even when performance below par.  We extend forgiveness to a spouse who holds rigidlly high expectations over us.  Encouragment comes when we raise our expectations and recognize a capable spouse.  The best question to ask yourself is, "How did God respond to me when I fell short of His expectations?"  The answer can be found in Romans 5:8.     
  

Values in Marriage

The standout phrase from yesterday's class is, "it is important to me because it is important to you."  This is where the Christian marriage should have an advantage.  At the center of Christian doctrine is to make sacrifices for others.  Believers consider the second greatest command to be, “love your neighbor as yourself.”  How is it then that Christians struggle to love their spouse as themselves?  It comes down to the choice to devalue the other person.

In Hope Focused Marriage Counseling, Dr. Worthington defines love as “being willing to value the other person and being unwilling to devalue that person” (xxix).  There are numerous passages that speak to the value of the individual (the parables of Luke 15 come to mind). 

When we value another person equal to ourselves it becomes apparent in our speech, actions, use of time, etc.  What that person values becomes important to us.  Differences in values are expected and accepted.  Conflicts will occur but they will take on a different tone… more on this when we get to the lesson on conflict resolution.

Some questions to consider (and maybe respond to here).  Why is it so hard to accept and respect another person’s values?  Where do our values come from?  Do our values change over time?  How do we work out differences in our core values?

Worthington, E.L. (1999). Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling: A Guide to Brief Therapy. Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press.

Ongoing Marriage Series

I like to combine things when I can.  It might be a little bit of a lazy streak but I like to simplify life as much as possible.  My sermon a couple of Sunday's ago was based on an assigned reading task for school.  Due to a busy schedule I have not been able to blog.  SO, I am going to blog about marriage as a supplement to my Sunday morning marriage class.  I hope to generate discussion with people who are outside of our class (and comments from those in the class are welcome too).  I am doing this so I can blog but not put extra thought into it.  Hope you don't feel cheated.

So, today we talked about relationships sinking into an automatic mode.  This tends to take the form of mutual tasks (ex. she wakes and feeds the kids while he feeds and walks the dog).  When life transitions these and roles change (kids move out so what does she do now?) it can be a problem if our relationship is founded on such things.  We need to have value beyond the tasks we perform for each other.  Dr. Larry Crabb says that people are trying to fill 2 basic needs.  A need for security (safety, love and belonging) and a need for significance (usefulness, purpose, a reason to live beyond self).  Ultimately, Dr. Crabb says these needs are met in God through Christ.  However, are security and significance values we have in our relationship?  A wife might ask, "would he still love me is I didn't feed him every day?"  A husband might ask, "Would she still love me if I didn't take out the trash?"  Security and significance are vital aspects to a healthy marriage.  Chances are he wants to feel significant in the relationship and she wants to feel secure.

Crabb, L.J. (1977). Effective biblical counseling: A model for helping caring Christians become capable counselors. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.