Marriage Series- Confession, Repentance, and Forgiveness

All too often we separate the sacred and the secular and thus pigeonholing our Christianity to Sunday morning.  Words such as confession, repentance and forgiveness have as much place at home on Monday, or at our workplace on Tuesday as they do in church on Sunday.  These concepts are especially valid in marriage.  However, we often misuse these practices as a way to change our spouse (very often to our liking or expectations). 

Confession is given, not taken.  It takes courage and trust to enable someone to make a confession.  That person has to believe that forgiveness will be extended to them.  If they are met with anger or criticism it is likely they will not offer confession again.  Romans tells us that we have all sinned.  The apostle John emphasizes that denying sin makes us liars.  Our spouses will fail us.  If we value honesty in our relationship then we need to be able to respond to confession with forgiveness.

Repentance is something else that cannot be forced.  You cannot make someone genuinely repent.  It is their choice.  This does not mean you have to accept certain behaviors.  If your spouse acts condescendingly toward you certainly state your thoughts and feelings.  Moreover, you can choose to walk away or not listen when you are being spoken to in a hurtful way.  This is your right.  However, to try and nag, argue, or fight them to repentance is unhealthy.  Such behaviors create a parent-child interaction and is not a marriage of equals.  Real, genuine repentance is not the result of manipulating behaviors.

Forgiveness is probably the most difficult and least understood of all the concepts here.  Forgiveness does not mean forgetting and it certainly does not mean justifying (saying something was OK or "fine" when it was hurtful and damaging).  Honesty is the first step in forgiveness.  An honest assessment of the hurt.  Honest statements such as, "your anger bothers me and is not OK" or "forgetting my birthday hurts my feelings" is the best way to begin forgiveness.  The hurt person needs to acknowledge the damage before they can forgive it.  Jesus never said it was OK to crucify him.  He also never justified the behavior of sinners, yet he forgives them.  Forgiveness is choosing your response to the hurt.  There is rarely (if ever) a time when a person has earned or deserves forgiveness.  It is always a gift.  In marriage repentance can aid in the process of forgiveness but is not necessary to forgive.  A person can choose to forgive an unrepentant spouse.  Again, this does not mean you sugar coat the hurt, rather you choose to respond to the hurt with love.  This is Christian maturity at its best and the reason why faith has to be one of the parts of a healthy marriage.