Marriage Series- Confession and Forgiveness

James 5:16 tells us to confess our faults or sins to one another.  Doing so requires a depth of relationship that goes well beyond your average acquaintance.  In order to openly confess faults one needs to be vulnerable.  Instead of being vulnerable we are often the opposite- defensive.  Defenses can be healthy and can keep us from engaging in hurtful interactions.  Healthy defenses I refer to as Boundaries after the Cloud and Townsend books by the same title.  However, unhealthy defensiveness keeps us from fully experiencing intimacy.  John Gottman named defensiveness as one of the four horseman of marital apocalypse (see this article for more on this).   

How do we overcome defensiveness and attain the ability to confess?  If I am the one being defensive I need to understand why.  What is the perceived threat that makes me defensive.  Perhaps my spouse is hurting me in some way.  If so I need to communicate this and extend forgiveness.  If it is insecurity, then I need to meditate on my value in Christ (check out this article on Christians and self esteem).  If my spouse is being defensive then I need to understand the threat.  Have I hurt my spouse in some way?  If so then I confess and ask forgiveness.  If it is insecurity then I need to be supportive. 

Again, the solution begins with me whether or not I am the problem.  I can only change what I do and my perception of the relationship.

This week we are confessing our shortcomings as part of our talk time.  This is a risky move but I hope a lot of confession and forgiveness comes out of the assignment.