Marital Conflict and Resolution

Conflict is inevitable and too often viewed as negative.  While marriages can experience unhealthy types of conflict, or unhealthy levels of conflict, there needs to be an understanding that conflict can be positive.  Conflict is a means to resolve differences.  Through the process of conflict we can come to agreement or mutually beneficial compromise.  Conflict can clear the air of "cold war" type disagreements that have quietly been preventing intimacy. 

Often couples are uncomfortable with the way they fight.  Arguments may involve shouting, hurtful comments, door slamming, passive aggressive gestures, or worse.  In his book Hope Focused Marriage Counseling, Everett Worthington offers an acrostic with the letters L.O.V.E.  Consider how the following applies to conflict:

• Listen and repeat (paraphrase)
• Observe the effect you are having
• Value your partner (and refuse to devalue them)
• Evaluate your goals

If people were better listeners a lot of arguing would be prevented.  Usually couples want the same things and differ slightly on how to go about achieving goals.  Demonstrating good listening tells your spouse they are valued and cuts some of the negative emotions involved in conflict. 

Observing your effects means you pay attention to how your spouse is responding.  If they are cringing or backing away it is a cue to change your tone.  They may not be hearing your message because of the delivery style.  Adjust your actions accroding to your spouse's responses.

Valuing and refusing to devalue means you will keep it a clean fight.  Insults are out of bounds if you want to keep conflicts healthy.  Assume good will and avoid devaluing your partner's position.

Evaluating goals means you keep the main thing the main thing.  Too often conflicts drift into multiple topics.  Keeping the focus on the topic of disagreement can prevent complications and the argument becoming personal.

Couples should practice communicating according to the LOVE model.  It is a lot easier to communicate this way when emotions are not running high.  The more practice the more likely a couple will be prepared when conflicts do come about.